*This is a totally honest outline of my current emotional and mental state, which means its a) sort of embarassing and b) whiny as fuck. You have been warned.*
Well Ive moved into town. This has been an unmitigated disaster. I loathe the house and the situation Ive put myself in. I keep having weird anxiety attacks and Im seeing a doctor about anti-depression medication. Cheery stuff eh?. Clearly its not just the move into town, I dont think I was quite so firmly ensconced in comfortable reclusion that simple homesickness would cause this. Actually that sentence is rather disingenuous, its not a case of “not thinking” its a case of knowing that it isnt simply the move. Its a confluence of factors that the move into town has exacerbated to the rather severe level its currently at.
So what factors am I talking about? Well the first is that my thirty first birthday is approaching and after a certain age birthdays arent so much celebrations as a daunting date for internal audit. Im certainly not where I thought or wished to be at this age. Whats even worse is that I dont even know what I would want to be if I could somehow just wish myself into a perfect life. It feels like my lifes standing still while my friends and peers are getting on with it, and by doing so, leaving me behind. People are getting married, running business’, graduating college, etc. and Im once again re-focusing my “career” by going back to college. Intellectually it feels like the right decision, but emotionally it feels like running away.
Speaking of friends that brings me to to the next factor. I dont have a lot of good friends, and to be honest thats probably my fault. Because over the last few years Ive been a pretty shitty friend. So at the moment Im feeling pretty isolated and based on some decisions Ive made what friendships I do have are being or will be put under pressure. And no-one wants to end up all alone because they have no choice. So I’ll take this chance to apologise for not even making the minimal effort required to be a decent friend. Ive resolved to make more of an effot so hopefully I’ll be able to repair the damage caused by my indolence.
For a somewhat rough and tangential segue I suppose I’ll address my relationship status. Ive been pretty outspoken and militant about how I like being single. Up until recently thats been entirely true. However when ones feeling isolated it becomes apparent that having someone there for emotional support, and simply to talk to wouldnt be so bad. But it seems pretty fucking pathetic to want to be in a relationship simply because you dont want to be alone. Or perhaps thats all relationships really are. Who the fuck knows. But angry confusion aside I suppose I am now once more “open for business”. Yeah because trying to start dating couldnt possibly add any stress.
I suppose now we might as well return to my living situation, my key stressor at the moment. I think I moved into town because the issues above (and below) lead to me feeling trapped and out of control and moving into town was simply a way to run away from it all. Which was fucking stupid. I needed to free myself, not run way. So now Im stuck living somewhere I dont want to be and due to whatever fragments of ethical thought that remain lodged in the selfish mass of my ego I’ll probably be here for a few months. I feel bad for involving Adam and Sarah in what should have been my own problems. Even worse Ive realised that one can be good friends with someone but living together can push that friendship a little too close. Ha, it sounds like Im talking about moving too fast with my girlfriend.
Apart from the emotional and “relationship” problems that moving into town has created its also been rather expensive. New furniture, deposits, insurance, etc. has all left me rather empty of pocket. Which isnt too great when I need to get 10k together to pay Trinity’s exorbitant fees. So unless my long shot with the grant comes through I will be forced to violate my long standing ban and apply for a loan. So I can add debt to all the other bullshit.
Then of course theres the fact that Im starting a new college course and who doesnt worry that they wont be able to make friends? ;) Though in all seriousness I am nervous about starting a new course and about having to commute to Dublin (well Im not to much nervous about the latter as simply not looking forward to it). Apart from the social nervousness theres also the fear that I may, once again, be choosing to do something that simply wont pan out in terms of a career. At this stage Im getting a bit too long in the tooth (also need to see a Dentist) to make that mistake again.
Last but not least there’s all the wonderful existential angst that these things are stirring up and generating. So all this stress and anxiety is leading to a lot of, what are euphemistically referred to as, “dark thoughts”. It’s annoying enough when you feel that your life is out of your control, its so much worse when you begin to suspect your mind is to.
Im going to leave this here for the moment. All this was meant to be was simply an outline of where I am now. An attempt to frame a problem so some kind of resolution can be imagined/worked toward/ignored. I suppose I’ll save that for another time.
Listening to: Belle & Sebastian – The Boy Done Wrong Again